Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
did you just send me my own nude
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
