You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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