morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm really busy with my period
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