so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
