Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
My pussy is not your playground.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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