this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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