So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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