whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
