she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
