Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
