and next time when you feel me up, do it right
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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