A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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