think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Randomize
