I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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