whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
