he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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