I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
