my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
