I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
