yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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