you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
