He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i think my mom watched the whole time
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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