Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
