i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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