what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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