Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
