The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
