checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize