did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
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Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
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The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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