I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
