Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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