It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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