I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
