I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
