My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
