remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
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