I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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