I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I need to align my fucking chakras
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
