Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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