When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The uberlube is also flammable
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
