i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
