Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
