Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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