I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
