i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
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Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
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You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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