ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
