oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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