at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
