I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
