Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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