Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
