Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
