I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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