i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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