What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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